Argentina  2  Greece  0

I called the repair company three weeks ago, as the Argentine winter chill was beginning to bite and well before the World Cup kicked off, to ask them to fix the gas heater in the living room.

Juan Carlos rolled up on his motorbike and spent five hours grunting and swearing before he managed to produce a flame, then he sped off into the night, 300 pesos richer.

I inspected his work and found the control dial in the wrong place and when I tried to relight the heater there was no spark. So the next day I called the office. And the next and the next and the day after that. Every day a polite elderly lady either told me that Juan Carlos was on his way or would call later. He never did.

Everything Must Go.

Everything Must Go.

I kept my cool since it doesn’t pay to lose your temper in these kinds of situations in Argentina. Three weeks later, at ten o’clock on the morning of the Argentina v Greece match, I called again. “He’s on his way,” I was assured. But of course he never showed. When I phoned later that evening I was told that he’d gone home early because of the match.

“But you told me at ten this morning that he was on his way,” I bleated. “The game didn’t kickoff until three-thirty.”

“You’re a foreigner,” she told me, sounding very haughty. “You simply wouldn’t understand.”

“That,” I replied, “is a racist comment.” I was about to go into 1966 and all that when she put the phone down on me.

While my wife and kids watched the match wrapped in blankets, I was downtown. I walked past Plaza San Martin where the big screen has been set up while Uruguay were playing Mexico. The hillside was decorated with Uruguayan flags.

But the rest of Buenos Aires was sky-blue and white. Although it hardly seemed possible, yet more sellers of sky-blue and white hats, horns, flags and shirts have sprouted on Florida, the main pedestrian shopping street. There are even shops now dedicated to the sale of similar but slightly better quality items.

I watched the game in the Richmond – all leather armchairs, oak panels and tea with milk served with proper pots and strainers. It’s more English than Stanley Matthews’ baggy shorts, John Terry’s jock-strap – you get the picture.

It had a big screen and miserable waiters – the kind who pride themselves on memorising the orders in what is a paperless restaurant. We were six and ordered a variety of beverages and cake. I was convinced that our man, with his Hitleresque moustache, would screw up. But no! Teas, coffees and cheesecake all arrived in front of the person they were meant for in time for the kick-off.

This little patch of oak-panelled England in the heart of Buenos Aires very soon became pure Argentine as the ‘albicelestes’ pushed on the Greek goal.

I think they’re getting better with each game, playing like a team and not relying overly on Messi. Two crucial goals have been scored by defenders, Heinze against Nigeria in the first game and the opener against Greece by Martin Demichelis, perhaps confusing his opponents with his Greek surname.

The Richmond - two sugars, please.

The Richmond - two sugars, please.

Of course, Argentina cheered that one but they cheered even louder for the second goal, tapped in off the rebound by Boca Juniors’ Martin Palermo. He’s big, he’s strong, he’s courageous and he plays his club football in Argentina. A goal from Messi would have been nice and it will come. But the day after the game I heard the word ‘Palermo’ everywhere – on the street, on the radio, from the bloke who delivered our soda siphons at 7.15 in the morning. The World Cup is all anyone talks about.

A fine example of how desperate the Argentine media is to fill its special World Cup TV programmes and newspaper supplements was an interview with Juan Sebastian Veron’s mum revealing that while her son was born in Argentina, he was in fact conceived in Greece. Fascinating! Did that little tidbit have a bearing on the game? Was that the reason Diego didn’t play him against Greece?

After the game, I walked back to Retiro train station, up Florida, against the tide of supporters leaving the Plaza San Martin. This was a nation content, a nation smiling. There is plenty of discussion about selection and tactics but one thing is clear. The Argentine people are fully behind their team.  And win, lose or draw, they’ll stay that way. I doubt you’ll hear booing from the terraces or see players swearing into the camera.

The next morning, as I settled down at home for the England v Slovenia game, England shirt on, England team cardboard cut-out on top of the tele, Rooney poster on the wall, blankets and hot coffee at hand, I heard the putter of a motorbike outside. It was Juan Carlos come to fix the heater, finally.

“Who you backing then?” he asked. I could have told him Burkina Faso and he’d have believed me. “African teams not doing too well,” he’d have said. He fixed the heater and rode off before Jermain Defoe had put the ball in the net.  I dare not touch it. I want to stay warm at least until Germany have knocked England out on penalties.

Argentinos Juniors  4  Independiente  3

I have a confession to make. I prayed at today’s game since I have faith. How could I not have? We were three-one down and not getting the breaks. The title was slipping away from Argentinos Juniors. So I prayed to the God of Football who I imagined must be floating above the pitch or sitting high in the stands above the press boxes. I didn’t ask that my team should win. That would have been unfair to the opposition team and to the Independiente fans, some of whom no doubt deserve to be rewarded with regular victories for their good work in the shanty towns or for looking after their incontinent grannies. I merely asked for a just result, that the best team should win, that good football should dominate, that a bolt of lightning should strike that servant of the devil, otherwise known as the linesman, for ruling offside a perfectly good goal.

Look to the Sky

Look to the Sky

I didn’t go down on my knees or face Upton Park or anything like that. It was just a gentle: “C’mon God. You appreciate attacking football. Don’t you think we deserve this one?”

And he came through. With goals from Nicolas Pavlovich and Juan Sabia to level the score. “Oh thank-you mighty one!” No, not you Diego! Although he was reported to be sitting up in the only executive box at the ground, the one reserved for his family. I’m referring to THE mighty one who, in added time, allowed a loose ball to fall to Matias Caruzzo who stubbed the ball as only a defender who finds himself in an attacking position can and we watched it chink off of an Independiente player’s leg and into the net.

The word loco does not begin to describe the scenes that followed, both on the pitch and on the packed terraces. The kind of men who you’d move away from if they sat next to you on the bus, were hugging and kissing me and my family. In any other circumstances, I’d have called the police. Here, I celebrated alongside them, not forgetting to look skywards and give thanks. And if that were not enough, the morning’s leaders, Estudiantes, could only manage a 0-0 draw at home to lowly Rosario Central.

And there’s more. “We can’t take any more,” I hear you squeal. But you must. The Estudiantes driving force, 93-year-old Juan Sebastian Veron, was sent off and misses their last game at Colon. Argentinos need to beat Huracan away to be crowned champions for the first time in twenty-five years. Of course there’s a God!

I think there’s some logic to my twisted theory. The basic ingredient for survival as a football fan and as a religious person is faith. Faith that Jesus Christ really is God’s son and did rise from the dead. Faith that, despite overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary, God did create the world in six days and on the seventh grappled with the offside law. Faith that league leaders, Estudiantes would slip up against Rosario Central and allow Argentinos Juniors a shot at the title. Faith that Wigan might beat Chelsea on Sunday. Now that last one’s just daft – really eight steps too far.

Much has been written and spoken about Argentines’ almost religious fervour for football and I suppose, that for some at least, it does replace the more conventional religions – the ones that involve Gods and things. The official religion is, of course, Roman Catholicism. It’s still strong in the countryside but less so in the cities where the church establishment lost a great deal of credibility for siding with the murderous military government that terrorised the Argentine population between 1976 and 1983.

The most poignant embodiment of that terror was the priest, Christian Von Wernich, a police chaplain in the city of La Plata. He would take prisoners’ confession then pass incriminating information on to his bosses. He attended torture sessions and visited prisoners’ families, pretending to be sympathetic. He betrayed their trust. Von Wernich was sent to prison in 2007.

I attended his trial in La Plata where the Argentine Nobel Peace Prize laureate, Adolfo Perez Esquivel, said in evidence that he’d visited the then Pope who told him the church was justified in siding with the military since they were fighting a battle against Godless communism.

I’ve often thought that Buenos Aires is a city split in two. There are those who go out late on a Saturday night to wine, dine and dance until the Sunday sun comes up. And there are those who don’t.

Among the latter are the growing armies of evangelical Christians — Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses and the like — who prowl the quiet city streets on Sunday mornings knocking on doors and ringing the bells of the debauched other half who have just crawled into bed.

Gauchito Gil

Gauchito Gil

Many saw the former first lady, Evita Peron, as a saint and her mausoleum in the Recoleta cemetery is treated much like a shrine. Then there’s Gauchito Gil. All over Argentina there are shrines to him, red ribbons and bits of red cloth hanging from trees and fences. There are competing stories about what he did but the one I like best is the following:

Gil was a gaucho or cowboy who fell for an attractive widow. Only her brothers and the local police chief, who fancied her himself, chased him out of town and he enlisted in the Argentine army to fight in the War of the Triple Alliance – Argentina, Brazil and Uruguay versus Paraguay. And you thought Chelsea against Wigan was a lopsided contest!

On his return from the war he was hunted down and captured. As the noose was placed around his neck he told the hangman that he’d better pray for the recovery of his sick son. The hangman did, the son recovered and the executioner returned to give Gil a decent burial.

I’m not convinced, I must say. I’ve heard of better miracles – Greece winning the 2004 European Championship for one. And Carlos Tevez helping West Ham to stave off relegation a few seasons back, for another. But Gauchito Gil seems to provide a lot of comfort to a lot of people in difficult times, so who am I to question that?

Buenos Aires has the largest mosque in Latin America, built during the presidency of Carlos Menem, a Christian convert from a Syrian Muslim family. But there are not that many practising Muslims.

Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America, mostly descended from European Jews fleeing the pogroms at the end of the nineteenth and beginning of the twentieth century.

Many of them are to be found on the terraces at Argentinos Juniors since their neighbourhood, La Paternal, has a large working class Jewish contingent.

Others live out in the countryside, the so-called Jewish gauchos. Moisesville, in the northern province of Santa Fe, is a typical Argentine country town with a neat plaza. Only the flower beds are laid out in Stars of David¸ and Hebrew writing adorns the facades of the theatre and bank.

The town also boasts a Hebrew school and chola bread in the bakery. The first arrivals were city dwellers in search of a biblical idyll but they proved to be useless on the land since they didn’t know one end of a shovel from the other.

Crops failed and they suffered hunger, racial abuse and general misery. Then word of their plight got out and reached the ears of European Jewish philanthropists who sent funding and technical help.

Moisesville and other similar Jewish towns thrived. Like in many rural communities in Argentina, the youngsters have now moved to the cities and of Moiseville’s five synagogues only one is still functioning – and that for an increasingly aged congregation.

The Holy One!

The Holy One!

Football and religion rarely seem to mix in Argentina. But there is one notable exception – The Church of Maradoniana. It started as a kind of joke played by four friends in the city of Rosario. Diego Maradona,  reasoned his disciples, didn’t just own The Hand of God but could claim the whole body.  And the church celebrating the stocky Number 10 has grown and grown.

Their holy day is October 30th – Diego’s birthday and we now find ourselves in the year 49 A.D. – After Diego. Among their ten commandments are:  Thou shalt declare thy unconditional love for football and Thou shalt spread the words ‘Diego Maradona’ throughout the universe.

After today’s result, I find my faith has been strengthened. Faith in football and faith that Argentinos Juniors can clinch that first league title in 25 years.

Estudiantes  0  Argentinos Juniors  1

There’s been a full programme of mid-week games which have produced bundles of goals, including the 4-4 draw between Velez Sarsfield and Boca Juniors. And this as the national team finally played the way they should be playing and outclassed Germany on their own soil in an impressive pre-World Cup friendly.

Veron - his eye on the ball.

Veron - his eye on the ball.

The Estudiantes playmaker, Juan Sebastian Veron, was on duty for Argentina while the man that ticks at the heart of Argentinos Juniors, Nestor Ortigoza, was with the Paraguay squad. Yet the two teams still produced a throbbing thriller of a game, Jose Luis Calderon netting the much needed winner for the visitors. And this against the South American champions, no less.

So how do they do it? Quality football, both home and away, simultaneously, at the same time? Well, strength in depth is one reason. The other is that they’re not shagging one another’s wives and girlfriends. And even if they were, it wouldn’t be plastered all over the local media. Sex in Argentina is simply not news and coverage of the John Terry-Wayne Bridge affair has been light since they don’t really get what all the fuss is about.

Sex happens in Argentina and it happens in Argentine football. We know that since Carlos and Mrs Tevez have just had a baby.

In this macho society, it’s still a sign of prowess to sleep with many women, even if you are married. It was long a tradition, for those who could afford it, to keep a second and even a third family. There was the official family then the mistress, with the offspring of that relationship kept in a discreet apartment a respectable distance away. Sometimes the wife knew, sometimes she only found out when the mistress turned up at the husband’s funeral, demanding her share of the spoils.

The other reason I know that sex happens in Argentina is because of the vast number of lingerie shops – probably more per head of population than Viagra bottles in —— —-’s bathroom cabinet. (Insert name of least favourite England footballer here)

But the most appropriate symbol of Argentina’s attitude to sex is the Telo. Unless you’re a beady-eyed journalist like myself, trained in the art of observance, you might not notice the Telos. But they’re there, in every neighbourhood, so discreet, so quiet, so unassuming, that you could walk past one twenty times and not notice it.

If you need sex and you need it now, at any time of the day or night, the Telo is there for you – at the standard, the luxury or the deluxe rate. There is no English translation. Some might call it a Knocking Shop but that would be demeaning. The Telo is not a hotel, despite the sign outside reading Albergue Transitorio or Transitory Accommodation. And it’s certainly not a brothel. They simply provide clean rooms that you rent by the hour to take your lover, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife for uninterrupted, noisy sex. (British readers may pause here to titter as if the condoms were being passed around the sex education class)

Most Argentines will have their first sexual experience, not in the back of a car or at their parents’ house while their mum’s nipped out to buy washing powder, but in a Telo. Probably a cheap one in a neighbourhood some distance away to avoid anyone they knew spotting them going in or coming out. The standard of Telo will rise along with your earnings.

Better than the back seat of a car - surely!

Better than the back seat of a car - surely!

Discretion is everything. The car-park is underground and each parking bay is covered by a curtain. It simply wouldn’t do for your wife to drive in with your next-door neighbour to spot your car and realise that you weren’t really going over the January sales figures with Miss Suarez, your secretary. The receptionist sits behind a smoky one-way glass. Drinks are ordered by telephone and then brought to your room and placed in a double-doored hole in the wall. The rooms, according to how much you want to pay, can be equipped with Jacuzzi, huge bed, mirrored ceilings and more. Use your imagination.

Then there are the themed Telos, on the outskirts of the major cities. The Centurion which is all togas and grapes. The Pharaoh if you walk like an Egyptian. Or The Cave for those into wooden clubs and animal furs. A quick internet check reveals one Telo with rooms for ‘two, three or four people.’ Another offers hydro-massage, gym, sauna and mini-swimming pool. Quite how you’re supposed to find the time and the energy for sex, I’m not sure.

There are condoms on the bedside tables, next to the customer survey forms. And cable television showing all the adult channels. They’ve got all the major sports channels too which is useful if you’ve forgotten the Viagra and find the fun is over earlier than anticipated. But I warn you, Bolton Wanderers versus Hull City as a starter does nothing to set the scene for a session of passionate sex.

Not that I’d know, of course. No-one ever openly admits to using a Telo. Say it’s your birthday and the in-laws are round looking after the kids. “Oh dear! We’re out of cat food,” you tell the mother-in-law. “And there’s a sale of bumper bags but only at the pet shop in Belgrano so we’ll need to take a bus and we’d both better go since it’ll be heavy and it’s quite dangerous there at this time of the day and er…”

You and your wife/girlfriend rush out, deliberately forgetting your mobile phones. No matter how good an actor you are, you’ll return an hour or two later feeling guilty and without the cat food. “Sold out,” you say. “And we’re flushed because there were no buses and we walked back, quickly.”

She knows. And she knows that you know that she knows. But that’s fine.  That’s the story I read, anyway, in a Sunday magazine – by an anonymous writer.

The point being that sex happens in Argentina and it’s no-one’s business but the man and woman, the man and man or the woman and woman or the man, woman and man for that matter, who are involved.

I really don’t care who John Terry has sex with. But if his off-field activities undermine morale in the England camp which in turn affect performances in South Africa, then I think some kind of chemical castration should be considered. Only temporary, you understand. We are the fans, for Christ’s sake, surely we have some rights!